|
Joe Alward's
Favorite Jokes |
A man and his friend were
enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural
Arkansas
near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter
carefully
drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow,
his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took
off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
Heard any good ones lately? If so, please e-mail them to me.
DID YOU USE MY NAME?
Subject: Did you use my name
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I
realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack
said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found
their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the
middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead
of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Forced Retirement
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits
PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring
general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He
asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his
toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first
general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the
third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from
the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"
The general replied, "Back in Nam!"
Goin' Fishin'
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Potato Salad
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir. Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him. "Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked, "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"
Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"
The Gravy Ladle
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
The New Hooker
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The sailor said that he only had $25. So I told him for $25 all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand."
"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge. Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.
Bond. James Bond
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Rednecks
Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life
so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup
and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall,
the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to
take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?
"I sure do," grinned the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZING'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae ... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin'thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new worldopening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" The friend asked.
"Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Microwave
The Darwin Award is given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool--by removing themselves from it. The 1999 winner is....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA - Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommuniations feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules withinhuman tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
Spinster's Money Well Spent
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out.Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
You might be a redneck if
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Little Leroy
Little Leroy went to his mother and demanded a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. "Well,
Leroy", she said, "it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to
Jesus and pray for one instead?"
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus:
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy.
Now Leroy knew that Jesus knew that he hadn't really been a good boy, so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try:
Dear Jesus,
I've been a fairly good boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, either, so he tore it up and tried again:
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way, was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside.
He was wandering aimlessly, thinking about what he should say to Jesus, when he found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside, knelt down and carefully considered what he would say to Jesus. He finally got up and headed toward the door, eyeing the statues as he walked; suddenly, he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.
Linguistics Professor
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he
said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such
as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Makeup Chemistry Exam
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as
"Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put past
him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking chemistry and who did pretty well on all the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc., such that, going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Virginia to party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time!
However, with their hangovers and such, they overslept on Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they decided to find Mr. Bonk after the final was finished and explain to him why they had missed the final.
They had said they went to Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back.
They went on to explain that they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. And this was what kept them from making it to campus on time. Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could make up the exam the following day. The two guys were elated and quite relieved! So, they studied that night and went to see Mr. Bonk at the arranged time.
Mr. Bonk placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them they could begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool", they thought, "this is going to be easy!" After finishing the first problem they turned to the next page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. . .
(95 points) Which tire?
CIA Test
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but
only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Mr. Gorky
This is a little-known, but true story. After Neil Armstrong uttered the immortal words, "...And one giant leap for mankind", he took another step and said, "...And this one is for you, Mr. Gorky."
In all subsequent replays of that event, never is the last sentence heard, since it was suppressed by NASA. For many years after, Armstrong refused to say who Mr. Gorky was. Not long ago, Armstrong told a group of reporters that he felt he could reveal the secret, since Mr. Gorky had just passed away.
Armstrong explained, "One day when I was nine years old I was playing ball in the back yard before breakfast and the ball went over the fence into the Gorky's back yard. I climbed over to get it and heard Mr. Gorky pleading with Mrs. Gorky. She was saying, "Sex? SEX?! You'll get sex when the neighbor boy walks on the MOON!"
-----------------------------------
Yesterday was Chinese New Year.
It's the Year of the Rabbit.
And here's how dumb I am.
I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
-- David Letterman
Material Man
The successful lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer arrogantly.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Fuck!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?
------------------------------
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.
So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears". I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good? Little Johnny asked.
"Why, yes" said the mother. "His doctor said he has 20/20 vision."
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
--------------------------
Taste These
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their
horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and
said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!" ---------------------------------
Theories
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are a few of the winners:
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) -- Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
WINNER (Subject: Linguistics) -- The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
HONONABLE MENTION (Subject: Lying)--The first way to lie artistically is to tell the truth--but not all of it. The second way involves telling the truth, too, but is harder: Tell the exact truth and maybe all of it . . but tell it so unconvincingly that your listener is sure you are lying. -- Lazarus Long in Time Enough for Love
---------------------------------
Herman
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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Urban legend or true?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Home Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being
offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took
the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply
(actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
They got it.